Oh, Stevie...

Dear Steve Martin,

I'd love to take this opportunity to talk to you about another one of my favorite persons/places/ things named Stevie, Steve Martin (I assume you read my new blog and have read about my favorite dining hall, Stevenson, and my favorite brother, Stephen). Gosh I used to love watching Steve Martin movies. He was always just so dern clever. I watched Roxanne with my dad when I was like five and loved it then, and loved it again when I was older and could actually understand the jokes. Lately, though Steve, you've been a little off. Let's take a journey through time with Steve Martin, all the way back to...

1979-The Jerk. I was born a young black child...Oh! How great was this movie? Steve and Bernadette, Carl Riener was in this movie! The dog was named Shithead! What's not to love? What a great start to your movie career Steve! Keep going....

1981- Pennies From Heaven. Drama! Music! Romance! Steve Martin and Bernadette Peters again! Plus Christopher Walken! I actually haven't seen this movie, but I've head it's GREAT!

1986-¡Three Amigos! Martin Short, Chevy Chase, Steve Martin, El Guapo, Jon Lovitz, Phil Hartman, a singing bush (Randy Newman's voice BTW)! This Movie had EVERYTHING! Stevie's on a roll!

1986 (again, you believe it?)- Little Shop of Horrors. He was the crazy-ass dentist who got fed to the plant! Genius!

1987- Roxanne. Wow. Wonderful modern take on Cyrano de Bergerac. You are truly a genius. Just don't start making family comedies with too many awful sequels and you'll be a legend...

1988- Dirty Rotten Scoundrels. Yeah, a man's movie. He's dirty, he's rotten, he's cheating women out of their money. There's a character I can get behind.

1991- L.A. Story. Alright, Steve Martin has some staying power. Excellent film, Sarah Jessica Parker starts her illustrious film career playing a dumb blond in L.A. Literally miles away from her dumb blond in New York act for HBO years later.

1991- Father of the Bride. Steve Martin turns a lame feel-good family movie into a hilarious tear-jerker. Ku-dos Steve, you're a real actor now. Just don't F it up...

1995- Father of the Bride Pt. 2. Umm, I think I remember saying something about family movie sequels... This one wasn't a train wreck, but don't let it happen again Martin, let's get back on track.

1996- Sgt. Bilko. Alright, another silly movie showcasing your silliness. Not bad, go make another classic.

1999- Bowfinger. What the hell...

2003- Bringing Down the House. Bringing down your credibility as well. Sure Eugene Levy's funny no matter how many American Pie movies he does, but honestly, did you read the script the whole way through when you signed on? I remember seeing a preview for this the first time and thinking "Okay, well at least the funniest guy in movies when I was little isn't stooping as low as dressing 'gangsta' and adopting ghetto slang" They saved that for the end of the preview, when I would lose the most respect for him.

2003- Cheaper By the Dozen. Ooohhhhhhhhhh Goddddddddddd! Steve! DO SOMETHING FUNNY! Or at least something original....

2005- Shopgirl. Not that!

2005- Cheaper By the Fucking Dozen 2. It's a Sequel.

2006- The Pink Panther. Well Steve, you wrote a screenplay from a cartoon that was already turned into a quality movie once, then you actually made the movie, which is more than a five year-old can do, so I guess you deserve some credit for that. I wonder if a five year-old could watch this movie, or even be amused by the flickering colors on the screen.

2007- Baby Mama. I have to give it to you Steve, you were a little funny in this one. Mostly because your part was written that way. I'd still rather watch your bit on SNL about "If I could have one wish this Christmas..." than all your scenes from this movie put together. Sorry.

Coming in 2009- Pink Panther 2! WHOO HOOO! Who saw this coming? Who fuckin' saw it coming?


Oh, Steve. I only write this and think these things because I have such respect for you and wish it were different. You started out and you were edgy and really clever (like Eddie Murphy in Beverly Hills Cop) and fizzled, and now you're soft, and kind of lame (like Eddie Murphy in everything else. Pluto Nash, for instance. Maybe Eddie deserves one of these lists). Find some how, some way to make good movies again please.

Love you Steve,
Joe